Kids, I’m dying. Here’s how it happened.
Yesterday, I sneezed and hurt my back. Bill had a late night with his gig, so I was walking in to wake him up when I sneezed. That one, tiny little sneeze caused every muscle in my upper back to constrict and shrink in on itself. So what Bill woke up to yesterday morning was “Bill honey, it’s time to OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GODDAMN FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCK OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!”
True to form, Bill’s first reaction was to ask if I was okay, and his second was to talk about changing the settings on his alarm clock off of “pained wife.”
To which I responded with “OWOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCK I HATE YOU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
I know my body. I’ve always had muscle tightness issues. I actually once had a masseur poke at my back for about 5 minutes, and then say “I… I’m not even sure where to begin.” I’ve done a lot of lifting in my day. Not nearly as much as I was a few months ago when I was tossing 70 pound printers around like it was no big deal. I once carried a 50 pound iMac several blocks because we were all out of hand trucks and I was NOT going to miss my appointment because the boys couldn’t be bothered to haul a 20 pds monitor without wheels. I’ve done tumbling, fighting, and dancing. I push my body hard near constantly, and through trial and error, I learned when I should push, when I should stretch, and when to stop.
I knew that before I could even diagnose myself proper, I had to get the rest of my back to relax a little. I did yoga child pose and after a bit slowly worked in some cobra pose. Moved into cat pose, and then some downward facing dog. What are those? Those, dear reader, are douchebag words us Uptown fitness wanna-bes use when we want to sound like we did a lot of hippy workout stuff when what we actually did was stretched.
After I was able to kinda get some of the muscles to relax a bit, I worked my way over to the computer and Googled “upper back pain.” But there were so many different types of injuries, and almost all of them had to do with slipped disks, which I was pretty sure had not just happened.
So when I couldn’t get the answer I needed from Google, I turned to my next reliable source of information… Facebook. I told the kids I was looking for some stretches for my back and asked if anyone knew any.
I got everything but. Lots of people telling me to ice it and rest, a couple people telling me to go to the doctor. All good advice if I had actually pulled it. But I was pretty sure this was still just most of my muscles constricted and needing a little it’s okay, it’ll all be okay stretching. There was so much going on, I just needed to get more of my back to relax before trying to really get into the problem and how to fix it.
But this, dear reader, is how I learned I’m dying. In among all this advice was a warning from a friend “Also check for other possible symptoms of other illnesses” with a link to Heart Attack Symptoms for Women.
I responded that I had sneezed.
And my dear friend replies with “Sneezing can be very dangerous!”
So you see, I’m dying. I had a heart attack the same moment I sneezed, popping my ear drum and cracking my rib. It’s been great knowing you all.
**Writer’s note: I have been icing it like a good girl… don’t any of you start telling me what to do or I’ll hunt you down and wake you up with Bill’s “pained wife” alarm clock setting. No really- I don’t recommend it.**
In just a few weeks the tax cuts implemented by George W. Bush will expire, causing a hike in tax rates that will put a huge hurt on Americans. The President keeps butting heads with Congress trying to pass a bill that will extend some of the tax cuts on middle class families but the republican led House of Representatives refuses to back down from a bullying president that wants to try to help fix the country’s deficit on the backs of the most underrepresented minority in this country, the rich man.
For far too long rich people have been treated as second class citizens in this country. They’re forced to fly on private jets rather than use public transportation. They have to send their children to private schools. Some of them are so ostracized from society that they have to send somebody out to shop for their groceries.
This sort of prejudice is so deep and widespread that it’s affected rich people’s very own view of their identity. Most of them don’t even see themselves as rich and actually say things like it’s hard living on $400,000 a year.
Even if they do see themselves as rich they try to hide it. They call themselves “Job creators” and “small business owners”. They’ve been so bullied by society that some of them will actually try to make it look like they make less money when they file their taxes out of shame.
Some people try to justify their rich bashing by hiding behind the bible. Taking quotes out of context like “it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” Hate is hate, no matter how you try to mask it.
Thankfully, the rich have an ally with the Republican party. Republican congressmen have stated over and over that they do not want this economy fixed on the backs of the rich. They will not see this country raise tax rates on some people just because they have an insane amount of money.
Thank you, republicans. When our grandchildren look back and scratch their heads at how we’d even think to ask people to pay more because they have more, you’ll be content to know you were on the right side of history.
Black clouds circled above the Great Pyaramid of Giza as president Mohamed Morsi stood on top, clutching a brightly glowing staff. “Now that I have finally found the mystical Staff of Osiris, I can grant myself sweeping new powers and declare myself Pharaoh in this, the new AGE OF MORSI!”
He descended down the pyramid with his Muslim Brotherhood when he was met at the base by a large group of protestors. He waved his wand, bellowed “SILENCE!” and the crowd was instantly transformed into mindless, obedient mummies. Morsi laughed and shouted to the heavens “WHO WILL DARE DEFY ME NOW?”
Just then a flicker of light shone in the distance. A small speck flying through the air that came closer and closer. Eventually everybody could see that speck was Denson and Young flying in on top of a magic carpet. The Pharaoh laughed and said “What can you do to stop me? I have the power of Osiris! The power of MUMMIES!” He lifted Osiris’ staff high above his head and it shot a bolt of lightning at two of the members of his Muslim Brotherhood. They transformed into winged mummies and began to fly up towards Denson and Young.
Denson pulled an oil lamp out of his guitar case and a genie appeared. The genie looked at Denson and Young and said “I wish for you to play the most beautiful song in the world.” They looked back at the genie, said “your wish is our command” and played a song so beautiful that the Great Sphinx shed a tear. The winged mummies ceased their murderous path and simply fell to the ground. All the mummies on the ground looked up as the bandages fell from their skin and color returned to their faces. The staff, once glowing with power had dulled in Pharaoh Morsi’s hand and began to crumble into dust. Morsi looked up at Denson, Young and the genie and pleaded “How? How did you defeat me?” “The genie looked down with pity and explained “the brilliant luminescence of music and truth will always wash out the shadows of evil.” Morsi’s skin began to dry out and bandages wrapped themselves around his skin, starting at his fingertips and working their way in. The bandages crawled up his neck and before they could cover his mouth he pleaded “What’s happening? Please, make this stop!”
Denson explained “the price you pay for toying with the power of the gods. You are now cursed to wander the desert as a mummy. Never knowing true peace.” The bandages enveloped Morsi until he was completely covered. He then stretched his arms out in front of him and slowly lurched into the desert, never to be seen again.
Denson and Young began to set up a celebration show for the protesters and asked the genie if he wanted to stay and watched. The genie smiled and said “thanks, but your song broke my curse. It’s been 3,000 years but now I can finally die. Thank you.” The genie then slowly evaporated in front of their eyes.
Would you like to hear the song that dethroned the evil mummy tyrant and broke the genie’s curse? All you need to do is come to the Comedy Corner Underground tonight for Denson&Young: 1,000 Unicorn Whispers (Redux).
Come experience the music, the laughter, and the free cookies.
Just a few days ago Angus T. Jones, the “half” part of CBS’ “Two and a Half Men” went on youtube to testify his faith as a Seventh Day Adventist and in the process totally shit on the show he stars in –
In the video he says stuff like “Jake (his character) means nothing”, “If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men” and “I’m on the show and I don’t want to be” all while some dude nods in agreement next to him on a couch.
Oh, no big deal but the guy next to him on the couch is a crazy anti-gay internet preacher who uploads videos about how gay rights are a Illuminati conspiracy or something.
Granted, “Jay-Z is a Freemason puppet” isn’t quite “Tiger blood” crazy but it’s close.
Now I’m not going to say it seems like this Angus kid was brainwashed but at one point during the testimony video he actually says “it didn’t seem like I was being tricked but my family was like ‘he’s going to a SDA church, it’s a cult'”.
Good eye, kid. People who are being tricked almost always feel like they’re being tricked.
So this video goes viral and everybody’s talking about how this is going to affect the show with very little attention to the fact that this Forerunner guy in the video slays masturbation is evil and Kanye West is in the Illuminati.
Unfortunately, just as things were getting interesting and we all think Angus T. Jones is going to pull a Charlie Sheen but with religion instead of drugs, the little pussy apologizes. I imagine he went down to Chuck Lorre’s office and was shown the freezer full of Ashton Kutcher clones just waiting to be thawed out and replace any cast member that steps out of line.
Some of you know that I have a fascination with computer animation. There’s something about that plastic, shiny world that just captivates me. Up to, and including computer animated Barbie.
It’s true. I love computer animated Barbie. I own several computer animated Barbie movies on VHS. It’s pretty much the only reason we still have a VCR.
Don’t judge me.
I admit, Barbie is pretty girly. I think most people agree I’m not much of a girly girl. I rarely wear dresses, and I could care less about my cuticles. I do own several pairs of heels, but usually only wear the flats. Heels are painful, and I can’t run in them. If the zombie apocalypse comes, I want to be able to out-run those fuckers.
However, I do applaude these guys:
This is apparently (I haven’t verified it, but seems legit) a picture taken from Walk a Mile in her Shoes, an event to raise awareness of sexual assault. Seriously, major kudos. It takes a big man with tiny feet to do something like that.
Anyway, I bring up my fascination with computer animation because I found something I’m just not quite sure how I feel about it. It’s a computer animated show from Japan, and though my first reaction to it is “oooh… shiny….” after watching a couple episodes, I’m left blinking and confused.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The Mole Brothers!
Like, okay. I love vaudeville and slapstick, and I can definitely see how this has borrowed from those traditions. But usually, to do vaudeville, you need jokes that are, well, JOKES. They have a great set up and punchline delivery, but what they’re delivering is… well, it’s like ordering a unique dress and getting a fish. It’s unique, but not really something you can wear.
And I’m going to take a stance here. Slapstick is only really funny if it’s real people doing it. I know, I’m judging these performers based on their non-existence outside of conceptual, but if it can’t actually hurt them, what’s the point? Look, I hate to be a realist about this, but without the physical, there’s nothing to actually hurt. If there’s no pain, there’s no funny.
I guess my whole problem with the show is that it lacks substance. Nothing solid there. Just a lot of tossed around ideas.
All the Cops in the Donut Shop Say “GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO USE TEAR GAS TO DISPERSE THE CROWD”
The other day, somewhere in Cairo, an old janitor swept up some dirt and rubble into a dustpan. His back strained as he leaned down to pick it up and dump it in a trash can. Once the task was done, he wiped the sweat off his brow and said “there! That’s the last of the mess from the revolution. Now to take a well deserved vacation.” Poor guy didn’t even see it coming.
Shit’s going down in Egypt once again as protests are erupting all over the country over recently elected president Mohamed Morsi issuing a decree that granted him a bunch of new powers. He has stated that the increase in power is only temporary to ensure the smooth drafting and ratification of the new democracy’s constitution.
Because, you know, nothing protects a democracy like giving one man Executive, Legislative and Judicial power.
I’m not sure why this guy thinks nobody’d bat an eye to this. Maybe because he’s the scariest looking politician this side of Putin –
Or because he has the backing of the Muslim Brotherhood. Whatever the reason. The people are a protestin’ and now it’s all a question of whether or not there’s going to be a revolution. Could be, since Egypt seems to just love having revolutions. Here’s just a brief look at some of Egypt’s revoltings in the last 100 years.
BRITISH REVOLUTION: 1919
Oh hey England used to own Egypt! Then they had a revolution and England backed off! Just like us! Revolution buddies!
Unlike the U.S.A, Egypt transitioned to a parlimentary monarchy and let British people hang around and run some shit. Bad move, Egypt. You’re just going to have to have another revolution in a few decades. Oh and hey look –
EGYPTIAN REVOLUTION: 1952
Sick of the corruption of their obese, corrupt and narcissistic King Farouk (actual official title: “His Majesty Farouk I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt and Sudan, Sovereign of Nubia, of Kordofan, and of Darfur.”) Farouk was exiled and his infant son Faud was made king. Faud reigned for a year before the Egyptian people realized that having a king is a huge responsibility that they’re just not mature enough to handle. After realizing that the best solution for both them and Faud’s future would be to give him up for abdication, they left him on the steps of Switzerland, rang the doorbell and ran off.
PRINCE AND THE REVOLUTION: 1999
Okay, I was working on a gag for this but the only video I could find for Prince’s 1999 had no sound. Apparently the copyright holders asked to have the audio removed but the video’s still there. It’s actually really creepy to watch in complete silence –
ARAB SPRING: 2011
Oh hey this was the one in the news last year! Now we’re all caught up.
For more information on Egyptian revolutions, read the international news in the next few weeks.
Hello, readers! How was your Thanksgiving? I spent mine with the in-laws, relatively drama free, while my husband was in North Dakota telling his jokes and singing shitty karaoke songs.
What neither of us did over the holiday was rescue a trapped child from a laundry chute.
Apparently, little Cayden was super curious about the laundry chute and decided to take a closer look. Maybe he thought it would be like those adventure movies where you slide down the long cave slide til you get to the hidden treasure. Maybe he’s a super nerd kid and wanted to play Star Wars. Whatever the reason, 2 year old Cayden opened the laundry chute door, and fell about 20 feet into a bunch of cables that were being stored in the chute, getting tangled up and unable to move.
Eventually, fire fighters were able to rescue little Cayden, who came away from the experience with little more than a couple of bumps and scrapes. One of the first things Cayden did was try to open the chute door again, but his parents had nailed it shut.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of shitty parent wouldn’t have done that in the first place? I admit, it was kind of my first thought. But then I remembered a time when Jared was two and had, in the space of about 5 seconds, managed to go from the ground to the top of a stack of benches, about 7 feet up in the air. To this day, I have no idea HOW he managed it. Point is, 2 year olds are freaky fast. If you take your eyes off of them for even a second, they’ll end up on the other side of the room, ready to do something incredibly dangerous and scare you half to death.
They’re like the most adorable Weeping Angels ever.
Anyway, although nailing down the laundry chute door seems like a no-brainer after the fact, we have to award the father massive kudo parenting points. Upon hearing the frightened screams of his child, locating him, and wanting to comfort him, Cayden’s father PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL so he could hold his son’s hand til help arrived. In fact, Dad broke his hand and is probably going to need surgery.
He totally wins The Most Bad-ass Dad in Recent News award. Do you know who doesn’t get a good parenting award? This person:
There’s no sound, so if you have your audio off at work, you’re not missing anything. For those who can’t watch the video, let me describe it for you. From a security camera: a little girl and her older brother go up to one of those stuffed animal claw games. No parents in sight, but maybe they’re off camera. The little girl decides she wants a stuffed animal, and amazingly crawls up into the vending machine through the prize door. And then her parents, oblivious to the fact that she is missing, WALK RIGHT BY THE MACHINE AND OUT THE DOORS.
Big brother has to go get his mom TWICE before she notices that her daughter is not only missing, but inside a vending machine. She casually puts down her coffee before trying to rescue her daughter. I mean, she doesn’t even seem worried. Once the child is retrieved, Mom collects her coffee and sets down the little girl. Because priorities. If it were me, I’d still be clinging to my little boy 10 years later, and I’d have forgotten all about the coffee.
But you know what the biggest shame is? That little girl didn’t even get a stuffed animal.