The Liberal’s Guide to Murdering Christmas: 2012 Edition.
Well, it’s December so that means I’ve been very busy with my liberal friends trying to wage our war on Christmas. My nights have been filled with meetings with local reps from the ACLU, PETA, ADL and Planned Parenthood trying to brainstorm for ways to weaken Christmas even further. We’re trying to petition Congress to recognize the phrase “Merry Christmas” as hate speech but there’s little else we can do because Christmas has just become so… secular.
It’s hard to completely kill the holiday with our current battle plan because we’ve been attacking it as a religious holiday. We can use the First Amendment (the only Amendment that matters) to weaken Christmas on that front publicly but how do we take care of all of the many, many aspects of modern Christmas that have nothing to do with Christianity?
If we liberals are going to kill this holiday once and for all we need to think outside the organic, recycled, fair trade box. Here’s a few things we can do to start.
1: Santa’s Elves are non-union labor.
Nothing destroys a business quite like a union! Now, of course Santa’s elves aren’t real but just by injecting unionization of his labor force into the Christmas myth it will rattle the foundations of the whole story. We should probably make people call the elves something overly politically correct, too. Something along the lines of “Vertically Differentiated Polar Natives”.
2: Christmas trees are killing the environment
It’s hard, as a liberal, to attack something so tied to Paganism but it needs to happen if we’re going to get rid of Christmas. Real or fake, the use of Christmas trees are killing mother earth! The real ones chop down trees and the fake ones are made from plastic. To make it seem like we’re trying to be fair, offer some hideous alternative nobody will want like growing a potted soyplant to put the presents around and eating the soybeans with Christmas dinner.
3: Santa promotes childhood obesity.
Santa Claus promotes unhealthy lifestyles and unrealistic expectations. He tells kids you can live off of candy canes and cookies and live to be hundreds of years old.
Bonus: Try to get conservatives to hate Santa by saying he promotes socialism by giving away toys.
Okay, liberals. There’s the plan. Together we can finally murder this holiday. Namaste.