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Fat Men Can’t Climb.

November 19, 2012

I’ve been pretty proud of myself recently, fitness-wise. I lost about 30 pounds since that jail bracelet told me I was super fucking fat and I’ve actually developed some muscle definition since I’ve started the carpet cleaning job. I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m in the best shape of my life but I’ve definitely been worse.

I found out yesterday, though, that I still have a ways to go.

This revelation started when I was driving home yesterday after going back to Thunder Bay, Ontario to tell some jokey jokes. About 20 miles north of Two Harbors there’s a small island off of lake superior. The island was about a quarter mile off shore but was accessible on foot by a long break-wall made of huge boulders. I pulled over and decided to go climb around on the island.

Oh get ready, island. I’m gonna stand on top of you so hard!

After about 500 feet of leaping from boulder to boulder in the break wall I started to get a little winded. I was sweating profusely even though it was 45 degrees out and the wind was blowing. I was panting and worried my asthma was going to kick in. I had to pull it together and keep hopping, though. I was pretty much halfway to the island and some teenagers were coming back from the island so I had to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal when we crossed paths. Can’t let a couple of strangers that you’ll probably never see again find out that you’re not in shape, right? That’d be embarrassing! So I leap and hop until I finally reach the island with my legs feeling like they could give out at any moment. One quick climb up a short cliff and I’m at the sweet, sweet top part of the island. It took me twenty minutes to hop across that break wall-

weird how a fun activity turns sour once you’re exhausted.

so I’ve had plenty of time to think of how awesome the top of the island will be. Maybe there’ll be some animal I’ve never seen before and they’re totally friendly! Maybe somebody left their cooler up there and there’s sandwiches! Pirate gold? Slutty Mermaids? The possibilities are endless! There’s just one problem –

That bitch is about 20 feet tall and there’s no place to get footholds. It’s straight up and down. I just figured when I was on the shore that it’d be easy to climb for some reason.

I look to see how the teenagers come down and I see a rope dangling from a corner.

and some driftwood I guess for some reason.

Alright! Rope! I figured I’d just grab onto that bad boy and climb up that wall Adam West style, maybe have a casual conversation with a Nazi on my way up –

(Seriously. Thanks for telling the international war criminal to keep a monocle out for the 5-0 while you go chase some dipshit that stole the world’s largest thimble or whatever.)

Turns out that turning a camera sideways and pretending to walk up a wall is way easier than actually walking up a wall. I couldn’t get myself up there. I tried and tried but I could barely pull myself up. I tried using that stacked up driftwood as something to stand on while climbing buy my feet kept slipping on the wet wood. I was able to get about 5 feet from the top but I just couldn’t reach it.

It was so fucking frustrating. All the work of crossing over the break wall and I can’t even get up on the goddamned island? Even after losing 30 pounds and building a bunch of upper body strength? I tried one more time but it was no use. I slinked down the rope and did a quarter mile boulder-hop of shame back to my car.

Maybe if I just set fire to the place a boat will come for me or something…

Fuck this. I’m going to lose even more weight, get even stronger and one year from now I’m going back and climbing that fucking wall. I will stand on top of that stupid island. I will make friends with those animals, eat those sandwiches, swipe that pirate gold and bang those mermaids.

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