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The Only Dude at Jo-Ann Fabrics.

August 15, 2012

I’ve never had a problem going out and buying things for my lady. Tampons, pantyhose, whatever. I really don’t know why guys have a problem with that stuff. The embarrassment factor is bullshit (as explained by the stand up comedy of Chad Daniels below) –

If anything, going out and getting stuff for the wife is just proof I get laid so I had no problem when Jena asked me to head to Jo-Ann Fabrics to get her some black thread for a sewing project last night. In and out, no big deal. Off to Jo-Ann Fabric.

“experience the creativity” replaced their old, less popular slogan “abandon hope all ye who enter here”

I go in the store, shedding any notion of some Dave Barry-esque idea that I’ll wither and die in a store that doesn’t have beef jerky or whatever. I’m just a dude going into a store to buy a thing. I find the thread, get a few spools and make my way to the register. I notice that with all the stuff around me I’d probably never find myself in this store on my own accord there’s plenty of people who are into this kind of stuff. Different strokes for different folks. I probably wouldn’t like it if some 50 year old cat lady walked into a comic book store and started scoffing at how she couldn’t believe anybody would buy this stuff. I am a modern guy! On to checkout!

I get to the checkout and there’s only four people in line. Sweet. I should be out of there in just a few minutes.


I’m still in goddamn line. What the hell? Four old ladies buying a few things. How the fuck did this happen?

I need to get out of here. It’s been a half hour and there’s still two people ahead of me in line because you don’t just buy things at Jo-Ann Fabric. You talk to the employees about what you’re buying, why you’re buying it, what you bought in the past and what you’ll be buying in the future. I left my cellphone in the car, too so I can’t dick around on facebook to pass the time! There’s a magazine/book rack but it’s full of things that would just bore me to sleep –

1. This is a thing people try to learn? 2. It takes a whole book to learn it?

Shit. I could really use some beef jerky right now. Holy shit! Dave Barry was right! He wasn’t funny but he was right!

I don’t even know what the woman at the register is even trying to do. I think she’s trying to return shoelaces without a receipt because it turns out she doesn’t need them for her birdhouse? They need to get a manager down there? Jesus Christ!

I finally go to the register, the cashier rings me up and I swipe my card. Twenty seconds. A new Jo-Ann Fabrics record! I want to turn to the people in line and say “SEE? IT’S THAT FUCKING EASY!”

I get ready to sign the pad and she tells me my card is declined.

Turns out the transfer to my account didn’t happen until after business close so the money won’t be in until the next business day. Meaning I’ll have to go back to Jo-Ann fabric.

God help me.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. August 15, 2012 12:32 pm

    They actually do have beef jerky there where they sell the candy. LOL! Good thing you never found it and opened a pack.

    • Fiona permalink
      August 16, 2012 11:27 am

      HA! I was just about to reply with nearly this exact comment. My first thought was “But wait, they DO have beef jerky at JoAnn Fabrics…”

  2. August 15, 2012 12:37 pm

    My husband says the same thing about Michaels. He refuses to step foot in there, however, he did get lost in Joann’s once. He disappeared down the woodworking section and then wandered to the frames and I had no idea where he went. You’re a brave man to go in and stand in that line. I at least take someone so I have company while waiting in the line from hell.

  3. Shannon permalink
    August 15, 2012 12:39 pm

    What the hell Joann did you go to?

  4. adam mcconnaughey permalink
    August 15, 2012 3:56 pm

    Dave Barry-esque?

  5. adam mcconnaughey permalink
    August 15, 2012 3:59 pm

    That idea just doesn’t jive with my memory of what Dave Barry’s writing is/was like. Then again, I pretty much only remember Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits, which seems to be from 1988

  6. Beeky permalink
    August 20, 2012 11:56 am

    All I have to say is my guy drug me into Menards one time and we spent 4 hours there, six months later, I drug him to Joann’s and kept us there for 2 hours. I called it even, mostly because one of the four hours spent in Menards may have been my fault.

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