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Cries of 12 Million North Korean Women Heard as Kim Jong-un no Longer Single

July 26, 2012

Sorry ladies, this guy’s off the market –

Formerly North Korea’s most eligible bachelor.

Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Glorious Invincible Chairman Leader Commander of the DPRK (official title) has been seen recently out with his new wife, Ri Sol-ju. Here they are at a recent trip to a waterpark which KCNA news reports he built with his own two hands out of love for his people –

“Who needs food when you’ve got waterslides, amirite, loyal subjects? OF COURSE I AM RIGHT CLAP FOR ME”

KCNA, the state run news agency of North Korea, has the full story of their whirlwind romance. Rather than post a link I’ll just reprint the whole story here, unedited.

Pyongyang, July 25 (KCNA) — Glorious Commander of the DPRK Kim Jong-un recently wed Ri Sol-ju, unanimously voted to be the most beautiful woman in all of DPRK next to Kim Jong-un in drag. The story of the couple’s romance shall be told as a bedtime story to children and adapted into several succesful films in the future.

The Illustrious Chairman first saw Ri Sol-ju defeat several drug lords in hand to hand combat while she moonlighted as a vigilante. He was immediately smitten with her but her father would not allow her to date unless her older, dour sister could also find a date. After relocating her father and sister to work camps, the Glorious leader took Ri Sol-ju to a diner where they engaged in witty conversation about the quirks of relationships. When Leader Kim Jong-un humbly admitted that no woman has ever faked orgasm when with him Ri Sol-ju proceeded to fake an orgasm to prove he could not tell the difference between a fake and real one. Her fake orgasm was so convincing that everybody in the diner fell unconscious from pure pleasure except the Glorious leader who calmly looked her in the eyes and told her he could totally tell that it was fake.

The Commanding Leader proposed to Ri Sol-ju after winning a ski competition on the dangerous K-12 slope against the mean ski instructor. She accepted and they were soon married. Eyewitnesses report that on the night of their wedding, a beam of light shot from the roof of the royal palace and the Glorious Chairman burst out the roof, his body covered in a fiery aura and his hair much longer and a luminescent blonde, indicating that he had gone Super Saiyan. He dove back down to the bedroom and Ri Sol-ju’s moans of pleasure, much different than the fake ones in the diner, could be hear for miles and caused erections in even the most impotent of old men.

It is rumored she is now with child, the child will be born in exactly 9 months and will leave the womb of his own volition without the help from the mother or a doctor.


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