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Craigslist Job Posting: Familiar With Scientology Church?

April 4, 2012

I was on craigslist this morning looking for ads in the talent section that didn’t involve women being filmed kicking dudes in the balls when I saw this ad in the writing section.



Familiar with Scientology Church? (Minneapolis)

I’m in need of a short paper, about 1 page long describing a Scientology church. My assignment called for me to visit a Scientology church, but I have not had the chance. I was specifically going to visit the one in st. Paul, but if you can write a short description about any Scientology church that would be fine. I was thinking of paying 30$?…willing to negotiate though…hope you can help!:)


Okay, let’s just push past the hilarious fact that this kid put out a craigslist ad for somebody to do his homework for 30 bucks because I could seriously use 30 bucks right now. While I’ve never been to the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, I’ve read some pretty disturbing shit about it on wikipedia and I saw that one episode of South Park.

Xenu!

I also tried reading Dianetics once after picking it up at a garage sale for $0.50 but gave up after 20 pages because it was a seriously boring and complicated read.


Given my extensive knowledge and exhaustive research (20 minutes of googling), I think I’m up to the task of writing what it’s like visiting the Church.


I had originally planned on visiting the Church of Scientology with the intention of taking a free tour and, if I had time, one of their “personality tests”. Upon entering the massive, ornate facility that once was home to the Science Museum of Minnesota, I strolled around the cafe and found myself in the reading room surrounded by copies of Dianetics and other works by L.Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. I picked up a copy of “The Indegestible Triton” and lazily thumbed through it, chuckling a bit to myself at the campy fantasy tale.

A well groomed and cheery man approached me and said “isn’t he a great writer? You could spend hours in this reading room. I have.” He extended his hand and told me his name was Kevin. I told him I was just browsing and put the book back, commenting that this was one of the biggest “churches” I’ve ever seen. Kevin laughed and said that it wasn’t really a church but the list of people who benefited from Scientology was growing every day. He asked if I wanted to take a free personality test and I politely declined, stating that I was only here researching a school paper on Scientology.

Kevin’s eyebrows raised. “Oh? I hope you aren’t too harsh on us!” He laughed for a bit and then fell silent, staring right into my eyes. I told him that I had done some research on the religion and just wanted to see what it was like first hand. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Well let me give you a personal tour, then.” He walked me down a hallway and pointed out a couple of large meeting rooms and a group of smaller meeting rooms that were for “auditing”. A process that he assured me that I’d find out about soon enough. He then brought me to a large, empty office. The office, he said, belonged to L. Ron Hubbard. He told me that it was there as a monument, a tribute to their late founder. Writer of all those books in the reading room just like the one I was holding earlier. “Were you enjoying ‘The Indigestible Triton?'” he asked. I shrugged and said that it was “a bit hokey” and he immediately snapped back “The Indigestible Triton is my favorite book. Let’s keep walking, shall we?”

We went upstairs and he brought me into a large, 300 seat IMAX theater. The lights were dim and it was completely empty, save us. Kevin asked me to wait for the theater for a moment because there was something he wanted to show me. He walked out and the doors to the theater slammed shut. The lights dimmed even more and the projector turned on. I called out for Kevin and his voice boomed from the projection booth “the doors are locked but don’t worry. I think you’ll find that you’ll be on the edge of your seat the whole movie!”

My eyes grew wide in horror as I realized what was about to be played. “You can’t do this! This is inhumane!”

Kevin laughed maniacally. “According to the ‘Fair Game’ policy I can use whatever tactics needed to silence the critics of Scientology! Enjoy your screening of ‘Battlefield Earth’, man-animal!”

I’m writing this down as fast as I can in hopes that I get it all before I inevitibly go insane. Those kids in the Guy Fawkes masks were right. God help me.


Now that’s an assignment worth $30!

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2012 1:12 pm

    Ixnay on the ientologyscay umorhay. They’re atchingway, isteninlay and eadingray. I mostalay orgotfay myself and ikedlay this ostpay. Ouyay avehay been arnedway!

    • Bill permalink
      April 4, 2012 6:41 pm

      Sorry but I really don’t know Spanish.

  2. Lindsay permalink
    April 9, 2012 11:32 am

    Wow, you are a much better writer than I would ever be on this. My paper would consist of nothing more than:

    “Scientology is a sham religion that a Science Fiction writer started to become *really* wealthy. He is quoted as saying, ‘You wanna make some *real* money? Start a religion!’

    The End”

    …I’d still demand the thirty bucks, though…

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  1. Craigslist Job Posting Response Episode Whatever: Creative Writer Word Salad. « Young Notions

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