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The Six Fakest Cracked Article Names I Could Come up With

April 3, 2012

Going through the “downloads” folder of the images on my computer and realizing I had over a dozen pictures of republican presidential candidates stored up made me realize that I may be focusing a bit too much on the political side of things lately. Sure, it’s easy and it gets eyeballs on the website but I’m really not a political comedian and this is supposed to be a comedy blog. Let’s get back to the business of writing straight up comedy.


Now while writing for this blog is certainly fun for me there’s no money in it. I know there’s usually an ad at the bottom but I don’t see a penny from those (it all goes to wordpress) and my talks with Rush Limbaugh’s people about sponsoring his line of iced tea on the site are going nowhere.


Yes. It's a real thing. Yes, it's called "Two if by Tea" and yes that's Rush dressed as Paul Revere.




There is money to be had for writing comedy on the internet though. I’m a big fan of cracked.com


I really only put a pic of the logo on here so it'll show up on the link when I post this on facebook.




and while Cracked has it’s own staff and columnists, a lot of their content is generated by user submissions. Read enough and you’ll see that the submissions that get picked all follow a pretty specific pattern. That pattern is

1) Numbered lists.
2) Something do do with either science or history.
3) Make it sound cool, sexy or badass.


With that in mind, here’s the titles of some of the Cracked articles I’m working on to submit at the moment.


The 5 Most Unusually Sexual Zeppelin Disasters in History
Oh, the eroticism!

7 Scientific Discoveries That Were Predicted by Hanna-Barbera Cartoons
Jabberjaw was a modern day Nostrodamus.

The 6 Most Badass Toddlers in History
These tiny tykes could kick the shit out of you and still have time for an afternoon nap.

4 Ways Science Has Proven That Bears are Smarter Than Most People
Can YOU catch a fish with your teeth?

5 Famous Video Game Characters Based on U.S. Presidents
That’s actually Teddy Roosevelt under Master Chief’s Helmet.

The 7 Most Sexy Science Badass History Lists
Badass science and sexy history!


Don’t get me wrong. I read Cracked all the time and I’d write for them in a heartbeat. I just think it’s fun to come up with fake Cracked article titles. In fact, leave a comment with your best fake Cracked article headline and I will pick one winner and make a full article about your headline to post in the blog (Disclaimer: I get to change the number if it’s a fact based headline or if you’re a dick and use some number like 5,000)!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. sparky828 permalink
    April 3, 2012 11:31 am

    Seven Porn Movie Scenarios That Could Really Happen
    Perhaps there’s some…other…way we could entertain you

  2. manna_the_destroyer permalink
    April 3, 2012 10:01 pm

    Shock the Monkey: 5 Ways That Electronics Are Lowering Your Sperm Count (pictures).

  3. Ted permalink
    April 4, 2012 9:18 am

    7 truths/proofs that the muppets wrote the Bible

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