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March 22, 2012


People supposedly don’t like talking about abortion. Even in the movie “Knocked Up” they work around saying the word by saying rhymes with shmashmortion.

This makes sense. It’s a very sensitive topic. A topic that many people have radically different views upon (my personal view is that I’m a guy and I’ve had a vasectomy so I’ll just keep my opinions to myself). A undoubtedly heavy subject that, when debated, should be handled with tact and respect.

That is, of course, unless you’re a republican politician. Then it’s your duty to turn the debate into the loudest, gaudiest circus freakshow possible.

The craziness probably started way before this but I first took notice a couple of weeks ago when the news was when lawmakers in Virginia tried passing a bill transvaginal ultrasounds on women who try to get abortions. I’m pretty sure the only reason these lawmakers want to stick a wand all up in a girl who is making the hardest decision of her life is just to add more humiliation to the procedure because that’s the name of the game. If you can’t forcefully keep a woman from getting an abortion you shame her out of it.

The bill was met with fierce opposition andultimately didn’t pass (a similar bill requiring less invasive but just as unnecessary plain ol’ ultrasounds passed) but Republicans , in spite of their hatred of arts funding, are a creative lot. Just this week, Arizona State Rep. Terri Proud emailed a constituent about how she’d like to require women to watch an abortion before having one.

Her reasoning is some bullshit about how women are uninformed about such a dangerous procedure blah blah blah. The real effect here is the added shame of realizing that if you want an abortion, you’re probably gonna have a room full of people staring at you while it happens. It’s unnecessary, embarrassing and just another hoop for women to jump through.

Now I’m well aware that most of my readers are state level republican politicians so if you’re looking to introduce some wacky abortion bills to proverbially stone women with here’s some jumping off points for you guys, free of charge (you can certainly name the bill after me if you’d like. “Bill’s bill” has a nice ring to it) –

* To prove you’re not ready for parenthood every abortion provider must give prospective patients an egg to take care of for a week as if it were a child. If they come back to the clinic and the egg has broken, they can follow through with the procedure.

* Any woman receiving an abortion is given a two year subscription to Disney Movie Club paid for by her insurance (thanks, Obamacare!). The name on the address will read “your child would have loved this one”.

* Any woman receiving an abortion has to “pay it forward” and perform the procedure on another woman so she can experience the guilt and pain the doctors go through.

* After an abortion the woman is required, by law, to gain 30 pounds and then lose it really quickly so she has stretch marks anyway.

For more information about how abortion is evil, consult your local Rick Santorum.

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 22, 2012 11:20 am

    That was awesome. I think all senators (male and female) should get the wand before they decide their stance on abortion. 🙂

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