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Scourge of Trees and Americans Everywhere

June 3, 2011
by

I’m doing a show tonight at Babe’s Lounge at the Paul Bunyan Bowl tonight in Brainerd, MN. Brainerd, along with Bemiji MN, Bay City MI, Eau Claire WI (seriously?), Bangor, ME and Saint-Eustache Quebec all claim to be home to this giant lumberjack. While we all know it’s just silly for fake people to have more than one hometown, nobody seems to like my idea of a Paul Bunyan hometown deathmatch (so far none of the mayors of the aforementioned towns have emailed me back).

The question most likely burning in your mind is why? Why do so many people want to claim Paul Bunyan as their own? To find the answer to why Paul Bunyan is so interesting you just have to look at some of his folklore. Here are some of the “tall” tales (get it?) associated with him.

*He dug the Grand Canyon by dragging his ax behind him. Pretty irresponsible but everybody decided to not argue with the giant man with the giant ax. Also, nobody cared because it’s Arizona.

*Created Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes when he and his also giant blue Ox, Babe wandered around blindly in a blizzard. Thousands of people died. Nobody argued. This also explains why every lake in Minnesota is either shaped like a giant boot or giant hoof.

*He formed Mount Hood by piling up rocks to put out his campfire. Soot from the campfire blackened the skies of Oregon for 6 months. Killing crops and starving the populace. People were going to complain and then saw the 50 foot tall ax.

*Left a giant, cheap looking, plaster statue of himself wherever he went for townspeople to pay tribute. It also served as a grim reminder that he could return at any time.

So let’s hear it for Paul Bunyan, the giant bumbling sociopath who cut a path of destruction through America proving all lumberjacks are giant jackasses.

Don’t even get me started on the Brawny guy.

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