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Canadian Porn

June 11, 2012

So I went up to Canadaland last weekend to tell some jokey jokes for the Canadiaites of Thunder Bay. The shows were fun and the town was super chill. I spent Saturday driving around eating all the candy bars that aren’t available in the States and checking out their many, many doughnut shops.



They seriously love doughnuts up there.



When I got back to the place I was staying I parked a block away due to parking restrictions and I saw a porn store.



Either in Canada they use four “x”s instead of three or there was already an “EXXXtacy Video” and they couldn’t think of another name.





I had to check it out. This was my second time in Canada (the first was on a family camping trip when I was in high school) and there was so much about their culture I didn’t know. Maybe Canadian porn was different? I didn’t know. A part of me was hoping to walk in and find something like “Lesbian Lumberjacks!”, “Maple Syrup Sluts!” and “Mounting Mounties!” (alternate name for Mountie porn: “Dudley Do-Her”).



So I step into the store and of course it’s pretty much like a porn store in the States. A bunch of videos, magazines, toys and a giant case full of glass pipes that are “for tobacco use only”. My work here is done but I figured it would look weird to just step into the store for two seconds so I start looking around at the…merchandise. I start looking at all the pipes and bongs in the back of the store because I figure I’d rather be seen as a stoner than a perv. While I’m browsing their wares the manager comes up and ask if he can help me with anything. I tell him that I’m just browsing but he says if a customer’s looking at the pipes he has to be there with them.



We start chatting. Just various small talk stuff. Even the porn shop owners in Canada are super polite. When he asks where I’m from I tell him I’m from Minneapolis and I’m doing comedy shows down the street. His face lights up and he starts talking about how he loves comedy so we talk about that for a little bit.



We make our way back up to the front as we’re talking about stand up and he starts telling me a story about how he saw Andrew “Dice” Clay in Vegas a few years back.



“So Dice is up there on stage, right? He looks down to the audience and sees this couple up front and says to the guy ‘That your wife? She’s got some big tits.’ He’s so good at workin’ the crowd, ya know?”



At this point a middle aged couple walked in the door. They haven’t heard any of our conversation before this point. The manager keeps talking.



“SO HE’S JUST GIVING IT TO THE GIRL WITH THE TITS FOR, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT! Oh, man! It was brutal!”



The couple looks at me like I’m the biggest perv in the world. I don’t blame them. It pretty much looked like I was asking the porn shop owner to describe one of the videos to me in great detail. I laughed and said “Andrew Dice Clay said that at the comedy show!” and the owner gave me this confused look like I was some weirdo that just shouts out what the other person in a conversation is talking about.



I make my way out and he tells me I can feel free to talk about his shop on stage that night and I tell him I might stop by the next day after I get paid to pick up a toy for the wife or something. I didn’t come back, though. Partly because they didn’t open until 11AM and I had to get on the road but partly because I had to spend all my pay on Canadian candy and ketchup flavored Lays.

They’re actually pretty good.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Gus Lynch permalink
    June 11, 2012 11:24 am

    The town was super chill?

    • Bill permalink
      June 11, 2012 12:01 pm

      The residents of the town were super chill, laid back and polite. As were the buildings, trees and streets.

  2. Zhen Huang permalink
    June 11, 2012 7:11 pm

    You are hilarious, Bill. This post cracked me up. I am always curious about going into one of these stores.

  3. June 12, 2012 11:34 am

    I am curious what justifies the 4th X in “Exxxxtacy.” Usually these types of things require 3 Xs only.

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